AH, PRINCE HARRY … HE JUST LOVES TO LIVE IN THE DARK AGES

Strange how headlines trickles by when you're abroad. Away all week during the gin rummy contest in the Bahamas, when we listened there was the "Paki row" during the behind of in Britain, we insincere which Celebrity Big Brother had got out of palm again.

Who was responsible, we wondered, for this hideous language? Surely not Ulrika. we couldn't hold it was Mini-Me. And Tommy Sheridan seemed 100/1. Besides, who could the aim be? I'm not informed with the biographies of everybody in the Big Brother residence (who is?), though if Coolio's from Pakistan afterwards we unequivocally am out of the loop.

Poor aged Channel 4, we mused underneath the Nassau palm tree. But which is the risk when we take the garland of ego-driven loonies, shaken for their veteran futures, as good as forcibly apart them for 3 prolonged weeks from their nearest as good as dearest, ie their agents. Bad things happen.

Touching down during Heathrow, borrowing the journal from Alistair McGowan who was given his unfeeling vegetable patch upon the beside runway, we realised my mistake.

Not usually had the offence emanated from Prince Harry, though the headlines pages as good as airwaves seemed full of apologists, the little of them with an differently smart story as commentators, insisting which he'd used the word "affectionately", which it "wasn't racist" as good as which most of the royals' most appropriate friends have been non-white, as valid by the actuality which Prince Charles has an Indian polo consort he refers to as Sooty.

So: the incident was not which Big Brother had driven the brand brand new garland of celebrities mad, though which we had incidentally flown during the behind of in to 1974. Yet an additional Terminal 5 catastrophe! One minute, they're losing your luggage, the subsequent they're misreading the map as good as ludicrous we in to the center of the three-day week as good as "well-meant" secular banter. We hadn't even managed to land in 1980; by then, Jim Davidson was creation the large mocking jump which enabled him to christen his hypothetical black crony "Chalky". Nah, my BA time appurtenance had bypassed such lack of simplicity as good as jetted me all the approach during the behind of to "Sooty".

Flicking by the rest of the week's news, we detected which motion picture assemblage is upon the up as the "low-price approach for the family to suffer entertainment", which the Labour MP has pronounced there's no such thing as dyslexia as good as which the retrogression equates to the London grill stage will shortly suggest zero though fully cooked beef as good as carrots. This was all stealing really Ray Bradbury. we checked the date upon the newspaper. Then we checked the underside of my foot for butterflies.

But they were clean: this space-time glitch was not my fault. we realised what must, surely, be the explanation. The credit break will set us all during the behind of 35 years as good as Prince Harry, criminialized from heading his infantry in to Iraq, is starting to recompense by heading us all in to the ideological Dark Ages. We're starting there any way as good as he's bravely receiving up the vanguard. That's what they rebuilt him, during Sandhurst, to do. Lead from the front!

The columnists who consider it's probable to make use of the word "Paki" affectionately have been simply descending in to line during the behind of their commander in chief as we all run during the behind of towards 1974. We know the prince's argumentative footage was shot during the precision practice 3 years ago as good as the inlet of which precision can eventually be revealed…

January 2006

Prince Harry yawned, spread out as good as threw off his special Doctor Who duvet. The face of Tom Baker stared during him dolefully from the floor.

"What's for brekkie?" he chirped.

"Your favourite, sir," murmured the batman, phenomenon the Tupperware box of butterscotch Angel Delight.

The room went black.

"Power cut! " shrieked the prince.

Private Wilkins shimmied around the room lighting candles, only as Chelsy Davy emerged from the bathroom.

"Hah ro-mintic," she cooed. "Ah maht only dump mah tahl to the building ind ramble rahnd ny-kud un the dahk."

Five mins later, the lance-corporal checked his watch, flicked the mains switch during the behind of to "on" as good as the lights re-illuminated.

Prince Harry looked during his partner as good as screamed.

"Your wotsit's left bald!"

Chelsy looked down.

"Ut hizzn't left bald. Ah've wixed mah swim fit lahn."

"Waxed it? Waxed it?" yelped Harry. "You demeanour similar to the baby gerbil!"

"Really, madam," whispered the batman, hurrying brazen with the hulk merkin, "we've discussed this. Rectify the complaint immediately. And cocktail these dual hairbrushes underneath your armpits."

As Chelsy prepared herself, Wilkins soothed the vibrated king with the detonate of Emerson, Lake & Palmer.

"Is the World Cup upon today?" asked Harry. "I goal we've got West Germany. Time to give Jerry an additional heartless pasting."

"Unfortunately, England has not competent this year, sir," replied Wilkins. "We will not be repeating the glories of 1966."

Prince Harry hunched brazen immediately, regulating the single palm to mime an huge bill as good as the alternative to equate out the clod of hypothetical bruise notes, dribbling as he did so.

"No sir," pronounced the batman. "George Cohen was not Jewish."

"Wasn't he?" pronounced Harry, straightening up. "Well, may be I'll only go as good as watch the good internal game."

"Nottingham Forest have been during home, sir," suggested Wilkins.

"Ooh, we similar to them," honked Harry. "They've got which brand brand new darkie, Anderson. He goes after the round similar to the chimp up the yum-yum tree. Probably thinks it's the hulk coconut."

"Aw," cooed Chelsy, rub-down his arm. "You're so affic-tionate."

"I'm fearful we won't be means to attend the fixture, sir," apologised the batman, stealing the prince's smartest cheesecloth fit from the habit as good as draping it over the SodaStream.

"You're filming the video diary, afterwards Her Majesty has requested your participation for tea."

Harry shook his head. "Damn good won't go – she's the f***ing German."

The batman reached proudly for his walkie-talkie: "I consider he's ready…"

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